Written By Cash, – Official Contributor of The Crowned Series
Do you know what I was thinking about the other day? I’m 30 years old – single, no kids, happy and personally successful and 300 years ago I would have been called a witch.
Now I know what you’re thinking – what? Girl, you are silly! Indubitably! You are correct. Yet, what’s also silly is the fact that so many different societies, cultures, and people I know personally would think that a woman, and depending on who you talk to especially a black woman, who is 30 years old without children, a spouse or significant other, couldn’t truly be happy just as she is right now and would be striving for “more”. And I don’t mean spots of happiness, I mean moment-to-moment comfort and contentment with just living as she is. I mean, seriously, less than 100 years ago it’s a high possibility that I would have been deemed insane and might have been convicted to a hospital for hysteria. All jokes! But, let me break this down.
I’ll start by saying this: I honor motherhood SO DEEPLY. I am always in awe of the strength, capacity, love, respect, and space that mothers create. I think they are the definition of what a true goddess looks like. Motherhood is sacred and I’d be honored to hold that title one day if by some divine reason it came to be. And in that same breath, I can absolutely see myself living a full life without being one. I don’t feel a yearning or a pulling toward being a mother. Right now at 30 years old, I also don’t see myself wanting to open that door in my journey anytime soon…maybe ever. It’s not about being selfish or a want to continue traveling the world aimlessly. It’s literally because I don’t want to. Period. But when trying to explain that I actually don’t need an explanation for just saying “no thank you” to this part of life, I am met with the most awkward conversations and confusing looks. Many people don’t really understand how I couldn’t have any drive to want to procreate, especially at this stage in my life. It baffles them. They can see how some circumstances would have prevented it up until this point, but in the long run, you HAVE to want kids, right? And that brings me to my next point…
Now, I have friends that feel as if they don’t want to have children at this point in their lives because they are waiting on a spouse or life-partner. A lot of close friends have either waited or want to wait to have children until after they feel settled with another individual. This again, I honor so deeply. I believe in love and I do really feel that there are people out there who make really compatible, strong, foundational matches. But, hear me out…what if that never happens to me either? Would it be crazy to tell you that I’m okay with that? I’m really fine right where I am. I’m happy waking up in the exact spot that I’ve made it to in my journey and pushing to make it to the next. There is no heavy longing in me for companionship on that level either and being single actually suites me quite nicely. What if this was it? Is that so odd? Such a thing so far out of the norm that people would believe that there’s something wrong with me?
I’m saying all of this, out loud, on this blog, because I wonder how many other women out there might feel similar or the same and haven’t said this out loud themselves yet. How many women feel totally secure, happy, healthy, living their best lives, might not want a partner, might not want children, but have been told by everything they watch, hear, and see that they should feel another way? Seriously – Is it at all possible that someone else out there who said this to themselves 30 years ago is now 60 and sitting on the porch of their wooded cabin, wine in hand, sitting with their two dogs at the lake reminiscing on how wonderful of a life they’ve lived? I mean, really, is it that insane to think about?
I don’t know what the future holds for me. I have no idea whether a year from now I would have found my life-partner and changed my mind about having children. I don’t know what the next step in my journey holds. But, I do know that for now there is power in verbalizing happiness with where you are today. There is authenticity in being okay with being okay – you don’t need anything else. There is bravery in saying “no, I don’t think I will conform to that societal ideal”. There is growth in looking back at your upbringing and home environment and noticing patterns that might not actually fit your way of life. And, there’s peace in changing your mind down the road! We don’t have to be one thing to be happy. We can be all of those things or nothing. We can be a mother and a wife, and we can be a life partner to ourselves only. Both are perfect, fulfilling lives.
So, if you are reading this and there is any of it that resonated with you here is my charge: Sit with your life. Look at yourself.
I mean really look at yourself. Are you happy? GOOD!
The real glow up is when you stop waiting to turn into some perfect version of yourself & consciously enjoy being who you are in the present – Anonymous
– Cash, Official Contributor of The Crowned Series